Dear crank and spank

Standard

One day I might not be here when you read this blog.  One day you might stumble upon this as you are researching your thesis on sarcastic mothers and the damage they do to young children.   One day you might ask why do these people know me?  Know my brother?  And keep calling me the terrible.  One day you might wonder which one of you is crank and which one is spank.  (I’m not telling you).  Anyway, how ever you stumble upon this blog, there are some things I need you to know.  I’m writing this close to your third birthday.  In three long short years, you have grown leaps and bounds. 

You are and will always be my greatest accomplishment.   I will always be proud of you.  I will always be in your corner.  I promise to listen when you talk.  To offer advice, to teach you, to love you more everyday.

I promise when you need me, I will be there.  I will run, swim, crawl to you.  I will always answer your phone calls.  Day or night, no matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing, I will answer.

I promise to be your biggest fan.  I will be there cheering you on.  Whether it is baseball or ballet, I’ll be beaming with pride. 

I promise to tell you when you’ve fucked up.  I promise to help you make it right.

I promise not to be your best friend, rather, your mother.  A mother who has loved you since before you were born.  A mother who has rules and structure.   Not so much that you feel smothered, but just enough to make you a functional adult.

I promise to let you be you.  Whatever that may be.  All I ask is that you have tolerance to people not like you.

I have been talking to you since before you were born.  I have loved you since the moment you were conceived. (Don’t think about that for too long).  I have been proud to be your mother since the day you were born.  I love you with every single fiber of my being. 

Happy third birthday crank and spank.  The best three years of my life.

image

Adult-like and shit

Standard

image

I have moments of deep thought.  Granted not often, and it usually is short lived.  Today while sitting in traffic on my way home from work, one of these rare moments hit me.  I’m not sure what provoked it; maybe the song on the radio, maybe the sun, that we haven’t seen here in south Jersey for at least three months, maybe it was just the quiet in my head.  For the first time in a while, I wasn’t thinking about diapers, vomit, house cleaning, or schedules.  I wasn’t worried about time, (rather the lack of), milestones, birthdays, spring cleaning, or money.  It was the first time in many months that I just was.  I was there, driving along, sitting in traffic, with not a thought in my head.  Then I started thinking about my friends, and family.  About how different our lives are now then what we ever dreamed they would be.

Some of us are married, some not.  Some divorced, some just starting their married life journey.  Some of us have babies, some of us have teenagers.  That is beyond scary.  We have real jobs, with real desks and real computers.  (Except me.  I don’t.).  Some of us are deployed in lands that I could never imagine visiting.  With real dangers, and real guns.  Some of us are struggling with our demons, some getting help and some wasting away.  Some of us are in therapy because we are all royally fucked on one level or another.  We have houses, and cars, and plants we haven’t killed yet.  We talk about things like mortgages and Roth IRAs.  We worry about our parents and their aging.  We worry if we will ever have it together.  A good weekend starts on Friday night (not Thursday, day) and ends Sunday evening (not sometime Tuesday). We are perfectly happy to curl up with a glass of wine (not a bottle of Miller Lite) and watch a movie or read a book. 

Is this growing up?  Is this what being adult is?  Because I seem to remember, being eighteen and knowing everything about, well, everything.  I was an adult.  I was grown, damn it.  No one was going to tell me what to do or how to live.  I had that shit.  I was young, smart, and fun.  Looking back, maybe I wasn’t so grown.  Maybe I wasn’t really an adult.  Maybe I needed a lot more life before I could say that. 

I dyed my hair for fun.  Now I dye my hair to cover the ridiculous amount of gray hairs. (I blame this exclusively on the terrible). My boobs are getting dangerously close to my belly button and I think I used to have an ass.  It seems to have flattened out horizontal.  But luckily I still have acne.  Yay for my face!  Please note the sarcasm there.  I wax my lip and chin…What the hell?!?  And I make weird noises after I’ve sat too long. 

This wasn’t a part of the deal.  This wasn’t supposed to be part of the deal.  No one told me about this.  No one told me I would turn into my mother and my mother would turn into my grandmother.  Truthfully, I wouldn’t have believed them anyway. 

So the question I still have is, am I really an adult?  It certainly doesn’t feel like I’ve got this shit.  I still wait for the day that it hits me that I’m a certified adult with my big girl panties on.  In fact, I knew more back then, than I do know.  A whole lot more was black and white, whereas now, all I see is gray.

image

When, please tell me when…

Standard

When am I going to stop saying….

image

We like our underwear...with our diapers

Get that out of your mouth!

Please for the love that is all holy in this world stop taking your pants off.

Why?  Just why?  Please tell me why.

No!  You can’t run around the house naked…unless you want to use the potty.  Then guess what?  You can run around naked all day.

Stop wasting food! 

How can you still be hungry? 

We color on paper only.  Not walls, not the couch, not our beds, not the dog, and certainly not each other.

We do not bite our brother.  EVER.

We do not bite the dog.  EVER.

Seriously, when will I be able to stop saying these things?  For the record, I would be cool with the naked factor, if they were potty trained.  But since they “like our diapers, mommy” I think we have a little way to go.

image

A butt pillow

Little Old Me.

Standard

10 “facts” about yours truly…

image

1.  I am the person people call when they need to vent. And I like that. 

2.  I pride myself on my ability to laugh.  Laugh at myself, other people and horrible situations.

3. I try find good in other people, but I’ve learned that there isn’t always good to be found.

4. I listened to a ridiculous amount of angry rap music while I was pregnant with cranky and spanky.

5.  Although I’m head over heels in love with my husband, I sometimes want to punch him in the throat.

6.  When I feel passionate about something, I can’t and won’t let it go.

7.  I really want a housekeeper.

8.  But I don’t want a nanny.  I love the time the terrible and I spend together.  A babysitter on call might be nice though.

9.  The terrible have completed something in my soul that I didn’t realize was incomplete.  I thank Jason everyday for knocking me up.

10.  I realize without the trials and tribulations, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.  I like this person.  Therefore, I am thankful for the hard times, the sweat and the tears.

image

You Want My Life.

Standard

The newest game all the cool kids are playing?  Walk your brother like a dog.
image

The things the terrible did while I was at work….

1. Knocked over the flowers that were on the kitchen table. I know this because half the flowers were still on the floor when I came home.

2.  Got into the junk drawer (don’t pretend like you don’t have one) and apparently were playing with screws.  I know this because I stepped on one as I walked into the house.

3.  Smashed Oreo cookies into the carpet.  I know this because I am staring at the carpet right now

4.  Got into the upstairs bathroom and used my black eyeliner to draw on the wall.  Much to my surprise I found a mural clearly made by two year olds as I closed the door.

5.  Emptied the contents of my underwear drawer down the steps.  Nothing quite coming home and finding your lacy thong hanging off the banister

6.  Found pens and drew on themselves.  They appear to have been trying to make prison tats.

7. Covered each other with the creme from the Oreos.  I’m assuming they did this before smashing the cookie parts into the carpet.  There is still creme stuck in their hair like hair gel.

8.  Ate some kind of chips. I know this because the chips also appear to be on my kitchen floor.

9.  Made a pillow fort in the living room.
Guessing so jumping off the couch would be safer.

10.  Rode our dog, Lucy, like a horse.  I’m only guessing on this one. She won’t come downstairs and I can only assume that they are the reason why.

This was my living room….and now it is a scene from horders.
image

Poor Lucy.  It really is a hard life.
image

The Scariest Noises You’ve Ever Heard.

Standard

5 noises that make me want to curl up in a ball and hide under the bed.

1.  The toilet flushing and my not yet potty trained children are nowhere to be found.

2.  Giggling followed by a crash, followed by belly laughter, followed by a crash and finally, screaming.

3.  Silence.  Silence followed by quick moving foot steps and then giggling.

4.  The words:  I wanna watch mighty machines mommy.

5.  The ever quiet noise that a metal truck sounds like falling down my staircase.  Always followed by the words Oopps, sorry mommy.

For the record, all of these noises happen daily and daily I think this is it,  They are going to need to sedate me and take me to my quiet place….
image

And for the record, it hasn’t happened yet.  Here’s to another day of mediocre parenting!

image

Yeah that’s right I taught them to play fetch…
And let them dress themselves…
image

Who, what, where and why?

Standard

There comes a point in every mother’s life when they have to ask some hard questions.  I think those questions vary by which stage of motherhood your in.  Right now I’m in the, “oh god I don’t really want to know the answer,” phase.

image

Here’s a sampling of questions I hate to ask.

1.  What is that in your mouth?  Followed with, did you just swallow it?

2.  Why are you doing that? 
This is usually answered with toddler gibberish and laughing. (They are mocking me I know it).

3.  What are you guys doing?
Silence is an awful thing when there are toddlers living with you.  Silence followed by running and hiding is so much worse.

4.  Where is your brother?
This may be a twin thing.  Usually the brother is locked in a closet or a room.

5.  What happened to the cats whiskers?
Pretty self explanatory…
Ben: kitty was bad
Alex: cut kitty’s beard.
Me: where did you guys get scissors?

6.  Where are you guys?
This is just a scary question.  Usually playing in the toilet…

7. What is in your bucket? If the question is posed to Ben it’s, what is in your pink pumpkin?
There is always something that’s growing fur in there.  Hint: it’s not supposed to have fur.

8.  What is all over your face/body/hair…?
Today it was my makeup.  Yesterday it was marker, two days ago it was something I have yet to identify.

9.  Who did that?
This is always answered by the one who did “it”. And they always blame someone or something else.  Example: who dumped the dog food into the dogs water? Answer from Ben:  Charlie did it.  Charlie is our cat.  Bad kitty.

10.  Can you guys just behave?
They have taken to answering in unison and that answer is always no, mommy.

I love this age.  I really do.  They make me laugh everyday and test my patience hourly but I couldn’t, wouldn’t change it for the world. 

image

Animal house

Standard

Ways my home is like a fraternity.  Oh let me count the ways…

image

1.  On any given night there is male genitalia on display.  Usually in the form of streaking…

2. Not one male in this home knows where the toilet actually is.  They have the general idea, yet never seem to aim well enough to make into the large bowl.

3. My home smells like farts and spoiled food.  Every.  Single.  Day.

4. The spoiled food smell usually is coming from a food fight that happened days, weeks, possible months before.  (Silly me, I forgot to check to see if there were meatballs stuffed in that closet.)

5.  If it is gross, smelly, loud, and/or will annoy me; it is the coolest, greatest thing in the world.  Bonus points if it has the potential to make me have to pop a xanax.

6.  Food fights are a daily if not hourly occurrence.

7.  Rule one: if they say it’s dangerous, DO IT, DO IT NOW!

8.  Daily avoidance of doing anything that involves putting pants on.

9.  The poop discussions are endless.

10.  Woman are drawn to them by cuteness, and then sucked in by their charm.  But then so happy when they leave.  Feeling lucky they got out alive.

image

image

New year confessions

Standard

It’s 9 days into 2014 and I already have a few confessions to make.

1.  During the polar vortex I couldn’t figure out why the heat in my car wasn’t really working.  It was because I had the AC turned on.

2.  I am totally cool with the terrible running around in diapers (soon to be underwear) all day. Less clothing to wash.

3.  When they used the potty for the first time, last night, I was a little sad.  My two, terrible two babies, are becoming my two, terrible two big boys.

4.  I like this weather.  Don’t get me wrong, the summer months appeal to me way more but it is winter and DAMNIT! it should feel like it.

5. I have no idea what is going on in the world right now.  After cranky and spanky go to bed, I watch the The Real Housewives, and fall asleep. 

6.  I made no resolutions this year, not because I don’t think I should, but because, I don’t have the time to think about how I won’t keep them.  Then the energy wasted worrying about why I didn’t keep them.  Then energy to be angry at myself because I failed.

7.  I haven’t shaved my legs this year.

8.  I still haven’t finished sending out Christmas cards because I ran out of stamps and keep forgetting to buy them at the store.

9.   I want to go to the bathroom by myself.  Alone.  I don’t want to have a conversation, be handed things to fix, or have to yell while I’m pooping.  Is that too much to freaking ask?

10. Alex started using the word crap.  Using it correctly.  I’m not sure whether to be mortified or proud that he picked up on context clues.

Have any new year, new you bullshit confessions?

image

The terribles’ Christmas wish list.

Standard

This is no particular order.

Alex what would you like for Christmas?

Monster truck

Cars

Bus

Lollipops

Cookies

Crackers

Crackers

Crackers

Crackers

Ben what would you like for Christmas?

A bulldozer

Cars

Monster truck

Lollipops

Cookies

Pizza rolls.

As you can see they share much of the same interests.  And they’re hungry.

image