When, please tell me when…

Standard

When am I going to stop saying….

image

We like our underwear...with our diapers

Get that out of your mouth!

Please for the love that is all holy in this world stop taking your pants off.

Why?  Just why?  Please tell me why.

No!  You can’t run around the house naked…unless you want to use the potty.  Then guess what?  You can run around naked all day.

Stop wasting food! 

How can you still be hungry? 

We color on paper only.  Not walls, not the couch, not our beds, not the dog, and certainly not each other.

We do not bite our brother.  EVER.

We do not bite the dog.  EVER.

Seriously, when will I be able to stop saying these things?  For the record, I would be cool with the naked factor, if they were potty trained.  But since they “like our diapers, mommy” I think we have a little way to go.

image

A butt pillow

You Want My Life.

Standard

The newest game all the cool kids are playing?  Walk your brother like a dog.
image

The things the terrible did while I was at work….

1. Knocked over the flowers that were on the kitchen table. I know this because half the flowers were still on the floor when I came home.

2.  Got into the junk drawer (don’t pretend like you don’t have one) and apparently were playing with screws.  I know this because I stepped on one as I walked into the house.

3.  Smashed Oreo cookies into the carpet.  I know this because I am staring at the carpet right now

4.  Got into the upstairs bathroom and used my black eyeliner to draw on the wall.  Much to my surprise I found a mural clearly made by two year olds as I closed the door.

5.  Emptied the contents of my underwear drawer down the steps.  Nothing quite coming home and finding your lacy thong hanging off the banister

6.  Found pens and drew on themselves.  They appear to have been trying to make prison tats.

7. Covered each other with the creme from the Oreos.  I’m assuming they did this before smashing the cookie parts into the carpet.  There is still creme stuck in their hair like hair gel.

8.  Ate some kind of chips. I know this because the chips also appear to be on my kitchen floor.

9.  Made a pillow fort in the living room.
Guessing so jumping off the couch would be safer.

10.  Rode our dog, Lucy, like a horse.  I’m only guessing on this one. She won’t come downstairs and I can only assume that they are the reason why.

This was my living room….and now it is a scene from horders.
image

Poor Lucy.  It really is a hard life.
image

Who, what, where and why?

Standard

There comes a point in every mother’s life when they have to ask some hard questions.  I think those questions vary by which stage of motherhood your in.  Right now I’m in the, “oh god I don’t really want to know the answer,” phase.

image

Here’s a sampling of questions I hate to ask.

1.  What is that in your mouth?  Followed with, did you just swallow it?

2.  Why are you doing that? 
This is usually answered with toddler gibberish and laughing. (They are mocking me I know it).

3.  What are you guys doing?
Silence is an awful thing when there are toddlers living with you.  Silence followed by running and hiding is so much worse.

4.  Where is your brother?
This may be a twin thing.  Usually the brother is locked in a closet or a room.

5.  What happened to the cats whiskers?
Pretty self explanatory…
Ben: kitty was bad
Alex: cut kitty’s beard.
Me: where did you guys get scissors?

6.  Where are you guys?
This is just a scary question.  Usually playing in the toilet…

7. What is in your bucket? If the question is posed to Ben it’s, what is in your pink pumpkin?
There is always something that’s growing fur in there.  Hint: it’s not supposed to have fur.

8.  What is all over your face/body/hair…?
Today it was my makeup.  Yesterday it was marker, two days ago it was something I have yet to identify.

9.  Who did that?
This is always answered by the one who did “it”. And they always blame someone or something else.  Example: who dumped the dog food into the dogs water? Answer from Ben:  Charlie did it.  Charlie is our cat.  Bad kitty.

10.  Can you guys just behave?
They have taken to answering in unison and that answer is always no, mommy.

I love this age.  I really do.  They make me laugh everyday and test my patience hourly but I couldn’t, wouldn’t change it for the world. 

image

10 things I hate to admit I’ve said.

Standard

10 things I never thought I would say until I had kids.

1.  Get your finger out of your butt.

2.  Get your finger out of your brother’s butt.

3.  What did his (insert Jason, Alex, or Ben’s name here) poop look like today?

4.  Listen sweet pea, we have to wear clothing when we leave the house.

5.  Listen sweet pea, you need to wear pants when you leave the house.  (Jason, you are an adult; you should know better.)

6.  Please stop riding the dog.

7.  Please stop licking the floor.

8.  Please stop licking the dog.  While we’re at it stop licking the couch too.

9.  Why are you sniffing the cat’s butt?

10. No the kitty doesn’t need a diaper.  Nope, neither does the doggie.

Shit moms of twins say.

Standard

20 things I’ve said today.

1. Get your foot out of the dog’s water bowl.

2.  Give your brother his diaper back

3.  Give your brother his shoe back.

4.  There are no more bubbles because you dumped them on the ground.

5.  I’m sorry that dinner isn’t cooking faster.  Next time I will tell it to cook faster.  Is that ok with you, Prince?

6. I’m sorry you have to put clothes on.  It’s kind of a requirement to go outside.

7.  If you keep throwing water out of the tub, you will never take a bath again.

8.  Throw the ball to the dog, not at the dog.  What did I just say? You are lucky she has a head as hard as yours. 

9.  I see you found dirt.  Wonderful find.  You are a genius.

10.  No daddy is at work.  No daddy isn’t sleeping.  He is at work.  Trust me, I wish he were home too.

11. I love you more than you will ever know but you are working my very last nerve.

15.  Sure you can have an apple. 

16. You just asked me for an apple!

17. No, you can’t have a different apple.  Eat the apple I just gave you.

18. Please stop crying.  Fine, which apple do you want?

19.  No you may not have sugar.  No.  I said no.  No. No. No. No. No.

20. It’s time for bed.  No.  We can’t go outside.  It’s dark out.  No.  I can’t make it be light out.

image

image

image

image

The web of lies we weave

Standard

10 lies toddlers tell.

1. I wanna take a nap. 
No you don’t.  You want to run around like a crazy animal, destroying your room.

2.  I was good.  Can I have a lollipop now?
No you weren’t.  You kicked, screamed for help, and begged to leave the hair salon.  So no, you get no pop.

3. Daddy did it.
I am almost positive daddy didn’t dump the cat food all over the floor.  I am almost positive he didn’t try to flush my rolling pin down the toilet. Almost.

4. I’m hurt.
The last time I checked brushing your teeth didn’t involve any kind of pain.  So, I call your bullshit.  Now brush your teeth!

5. I wanna sit on the potty like a big boy.

But not really.  What you actually want is to get naked, run around the house.  Then shit in the corner of the living room.

6. I wanna take a bath.
Again no you don’t.  You want to splash the bath water out of the tub, get mommy soaking wet and then run away naked.

7. I will share my toys.

What you mean is, I will begrudgingly give my brother the toy I just broke.  After all, it’s useless to me now.

8. I’m hungry.

Ok.  Maybe you are hungry.  But not hungry enough to eat what mommy has cooked for me.

9. I will pet the kitty/doggie nice.

You mean, I will punch, pull, kick said pet until mommy yells at me or I get scratched.

10. I’m a good boy.

You are two years old.  You are a monster.  You make mommy and daddy want to drink, heavily.

image

Despite you lying boldly to my face, I love you and find you hilarious.  I just hope I’m not raising pathological liars.