A Day In The Life

Overheard conversations~

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Alex:  Hey brother wanna tickle my butt
Ben:   Yeah, yeah, but will you smack mine?

Alex:  Brother, you have toothpaste on your eye.
Ben:   Where?
Alex:  on your eye.
Ben:   oh.  I put it there

Ben:  Alex?  Alex?  ALEX!
Alex: what?  I am a kitty right now and my name is kitten.
Ben:  Kitten?  Wanna dig outside?  With….Alex?
Alex:  only if kitten can come.

Alex:  brother?  Wanna play with our babies?
Ben:  yes.  We have babies?
Alex:  well they are monster trucks.
Ben:  oh yeah I want to play with our babies.

I’m not entirely sure I’m doing this parenting thing correctly if these are the conversations they are having. 

JUST EAT THE PEAS.

Dinner in 11 steps.

Step 1.  Catch kid.  Sit him at the table.   Look closely at kid realize he’s covered in dirt.  Make him wash his hands.  Spend the next ten minutes yelling about soap, water, and cursing under your breath.

Step 2.  Sit kid back down.  Kid realizes there are vegetables on his plate.  Spend the next ten minutes explaining vegetables will make you grow big and strong.  When that doesn’t work explain that there kids that don’t have food and he should be grateful that he does.

Step 3.  Spend the next ten minutes threatening kid with various punishments if he doesn’t eat his dinner.  Watch kid push food around his plate while taking tiny bites of food.

Step 4.  Open a bottle of wine.  Pour a glass while sobbing slightly.

Step 5.  Pour second glass of wine, and start bargaining with kid.  “If you eat three peas and drink your milk, you can leave the table.”  Realize your own food is now being eaten by the dog.  Pour another glass of wine.

Step 6.  Sticking to your 3 pea rule, patiently watch kid eat one pea for five minutes.   Watch him spit out said pea, cry a little, realize you might need more wine.

Step 6.  When kid asks if that’s good enough, resist the urge to say yes.  Tell him no, he has to drink his milk.  Watch him blow bubbles in the milk while resisting the urge to start drinking from the bottle.

Step 7.  Start begging kid to finish his milk so this nightmare can end.  Realizing your desperation, he asks if he can be excused from the table, you think about it, but stick to your guns.

Step 8.  Kid finishes his milk. But only because you now have crazy eyes.  Pour another glass of wine because this is victory.

Step 9.  Release kid from his prison.  As you are clearing the table realize he was feeding the dog.  He, in fact, ate nothing.

Step 10.  Put the empty bottle wine in the recycle bin.

Step 11.  Kid now asks for something to eat because he is hungry.

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Watching This Little Bear Roll Down a Hill Is the Answer to Your Woes

positivelysarcastic:

This is how I feel to be unemployment at the moment. So happy I could just casually roll down a hill

Originally posted on TIME:

Video of a bear rolling down a hill in Denali National Park in Alaska is going viral after YouTube user David Pangborn from Duluth, Minnesota, uploaded it on Monday.

In the minute-and-a-half clip, the animal starts walking normally on four legs and then just seems to give up and start rolling down the hill, pausing at times to just chill on its back. In the background of the clip, tourists can be heard laughing hysterically and digital cameras start clicking.

[time-gallery id=”3138509″]

[time-brightcove videoid=4312944061001]

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Tiny little burritos

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This exact time four years ago, we were loading them up in the pouring rain.  I was shaking.  I was so scared.  I had no business trying to keep two tiny humans alive.  I knew that I loved them and I would try my very best but I had my doubts. 

I still have doubts.  But I am pretty good about keeping them alive.  There are definitely things I can do better and there are things I wish I hadn’t done but that’s the beauty of being a parent….they love you anyway.

My little burritos have turned into smart little boys and I promise to keep trying. I’m going to mess up.  I’m going to lose my shit.  I’m going to keep trying to be the mommy you think I am.

I Quit You.

After what seemed like a thousand years, (it was 14 years full time, 18 years on and off), I quit my job. 

I have dreamed of this day for almost as long as I worked for them.  I thought I’d go out in a blaze of glory.  Maybe set the building a flame and watch it burn to the ground.  Maybe, tell everyone exactly what I think of them.  Brutal honesty.  Or maybe, I’d set up a walk out and leave upper management to fend for themselves. 

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None of that happened.   It was quite simply a text stating I quit.  There was no fire, no brutal honesty, no walk out.  I didn’t tell customers to fuck off or destroy the store.  Just simply, I quit

There was no, please don’t go, or what can we do to make you happy.  ( my co workers did) I was miserable. This job wasn’t supposed to forever.  It was just until I found my passion.  My passion is not retail.  It never was and it never will be.  I don’t have tolerance for stupid, or lazy.  I don’t do ignorant.  I certainly don’t like being lied to.  People tend to underestimate my bullshit detector.  I’m not really sure why, but they do. 

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I’m not sure where life is going to take me next but I do know that I’ll be much happier.  I’m already happier.  A burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I cut the anchor that holding me back.  All I can do from here is soar.  

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Reflections

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The boys are in their 4th full week of camp.  We had a rocky start.  Lots of tears, begging, and separation anxiety.   They cried too. 

I have a few reflections on school camp.

1.  Other moms scare me.  I just don’t know how one handles a preschooler and an infant.  Just when I thought my twin mom thing was hard,  in walks a pregnant woman with a infant carrier dragging her four year old behind her.  Whoa!  Give that woman a metal, better yet a massage and some ice cream.

2.  Since the boys are the only set of twins in the camp, I found myself giving lessons on twin pregnancy.  Fun fact, so have the boys.  “We look alike because we are twins.”  “We were in mommy’s belly together.”  They are finally beginning to understand that not every child has a twin.  But children and adults have a harder time understanding that in fact, they were in my belly together.

3.  Alex is going date older women.  He couldn’t care less about children his own age and sits with his teachers.  He has a love and she is roughly fifteen years older than him.  I need to start prepping myself now for the inevitable.  He’s going to marry a cougar.

4.  They are in fact able to listen.  They just choose not to listen to me or their father.  For a moment I thought they might be deaf.

5.  They are able to follow instructions and rules.  See above.

6.  The four hours that they are in camp and I am home alone, gives me ample time to watch funny cat videos and surf facebook but that’s all.  I call this my decompression time.  Code for being lazy.

7.  Youtube is like a wormhole.  I get sucked in and come out in another time and place.

8.  My little babies that drove me so crazy, that made me wonder if they would ever grow out of premie clothes, are growing up.  And it hurts a little.

9.  Although I don’t long for diapers, around the clock feedings, or lugging a diaper bag everywhere, I do miss their chubby little cheeks and chunky legs.  Not enough to have more though.

10.  I’m excited to see them grow and develop into young boys.  Just not too fast. 

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♢♤♡♧●VEGAS OR BUST●♢♤♡♧

I just returned from a girl’s trip to Las Vegas.  Me and two of my favorite women in the world set out for a trip of mayhem and foolishness.   Topped off with a little ridiculousness.

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We were set!  Booze, check.  Bathing suits, check.  Fun loving attitudes, check.   Three mothers, wives and friends for a hundred years, check!  We were going to unleash our crazy selves on the city of Las Vegas!  The city might not ever be the same after our three days there.

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Day one:  we are tired from traveling and the three hour time difference…so we relax by the pool and have some cocktails.   We turn in early, promising to party hard the next day.

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Day two:  starts at the pool.  Of course cocktails, swimming and sun.  It was perfectly relaxing.  Exactly what three working mothers needed.  We have dinner, and realize we are tired.   It must have been the sun.  The sun always makes you tired.  We ride the New York New York roller coaster and call it a night. 

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Day three:  the day we leave, start with a little pool before we check out…no cocktails, no one wants to be drunk on a plane.  We head to the airport with plenty of time to have lunch and board the plane home

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I’ve learned that we are old.  We grew up.  We value sleep and being on time and relaxing.   Our lives are so busy every single day that just laying by a pool sipping a frozen rum drink was all we needed.  In fact, it was exactly what we needed.  It gave us time.  Time for ourselves, time to only think about us.  Time to stop and nap if we wanted to, shop if we wanted to, talk to each other, without interruption.  It was exactly what we needed.

We talked about life, about old times, about our families and our kids.  We talked about careers and retirement funds, college funds, and health insurance.  

No one ended up in jail.  No one ended up in Mexico.   No one puked, or got into a fight with a stranger.   Twenty years ago, all those things could have happened and not one person we know, would have been surprised. 

We grew up ladies! 

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I love you ladies!  I’m so glad we’ve weathered all the storms and remained true to ourselves.