The web of lies we weave

10 lies toddlers tell.

1. I wanna take a nap. 
No you don’t.  You want to run around like a crazy animal, destroying your room.

2.  I was good.  Can I have a lollipop now?
No you weren’t.  You kicked, screamed for help, and begged to leave the hair salon.  So no, you get no pop.

3. Daddy did it.
I am almost positive daddy didn’t dump the cat food all over the floor.  I am almost positive he didn’t try to flush my rolling pin down the toilet. Almost.

4. I’m hurt.
The last time I checked brushing your teeth didn’t involve any kind of pain.  So, I call your bullshit.  Now brush your teeth!

5. I wanna sit on the potty like a big boy.

But not really.  What you actually want is to get naked, run around the house.  Then shit in the corner of the living room.

6. I wanna take a bath.
Again no you don’t.  You want to splash the bath water out of the tub, get mommy soaking wet and then run away naked.

7. I will share my toys.

What you mean is, I will begrudgingly give my brother the toy I just broke.  After all, it’s useless to me now.

8. I’m hungry.

Ok.  Maybe you are hungry.  But not hungry enough to eat what mommy has cooked for me.

9. I will pet the kitty/doggie nice.

You mean, I will punch, pull, kick said pet until mommy yells at me or I get scratched.

10. I’m a good boy.

You are two years old.  You are a monster.  You make mommy and daddy want to drink, heavily.


Despite you lying boldly to my face, I love you and find you hilarious.  I just hope I’m not raising pathological liars.


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