Dear Ian

You came to me last night.  I’m not sure when or why last night but you reminded me of some very important things that I have forgotten.  You showed up in a mundane dream about paperwork. 

You walked into my head so causally, like you’ve never left.  You walked in and sat down.  You sat Indian style on the floor.  I laid down and put my head in your lap, just like I always did when you were alive.  You loosely played with my hair as you always did.  You told me that I was doing great.  You said you knew times haven’t been easy and that it will get better.  You said I love the wife and mother you have become.  You told me I made you proud.  You said I love you.  And I said I love you back.  I was at peace laying there on the floor in my dream.  It felt comfortable, just as it was ten years ago.

I want you to know, I still love you.  I still think about you all the time.  It’s hard to believe it’s been over nine years since you left.  I suppose you only physically left.  I want you to know, I love when you come visit me in my dreams.  A long time ago you told me to stop feeling guilty, I’m happy to report, finally after almost ten years, I almost have no guilt.  Keep coming to me in my dreams.  Keep reminding of the things that matter, reminding me that everything happens for a reason, even if those things hurt like a gunshot through the heart.  Keep playing with my hair and give me gentle kisses on the forehead. 

Watch over my boys.  They are my life, my soul, my laughter and my tears.  They will never know you, and probably never even know that you existed but watch over them.


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