Love, life, and the pursuit of our happiness

Sometimes things happen to put life in a little bit of perspective.  Sometimes life reminds you that this is life.  Try not to kill yourself trying to live it.  With the daily routines of chasing my tail, my kids, and money, I forget to stop and take a breath.  To just stop and look at my surroundings.  To see how truly lucky I am.

Jason collaspsed on Friday.  He dropped on the cold hard ground getting out of my car.  When I realized what was happening, our life together flashed before my eyes.  All the special moments that I cherish so deeply, that are forever etched into my brain, just flashed before me.  He couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t tell me if he was in pain.  I screamed.  I screamed until someone came.  I screamed as if I was being murdered.  People came.  People came running.  From everywhere.  I called 911. I couldn’t tell them where we were, what town we were in, what place of business we were in front of.

Then I looked over my shoulder.  My children.  Oh shit! My boys.  I’m scaring them.  They are crying, there is a lady trying to console them.  Side note: she gave them a permanent marker…thanks.  I pull it together.  I reach in the car.  I tell them everything is ok.  I lied threw my teeth.  Alex asked if daddy was okay.  I lied again, yes sweet pea, he’s okay.  But they can see the fear in my eyes.  They start to cry again.  The ambulance loads Jason up and I’m standing there.  Still.  Just staring at the lights.  I love him too much to lose him now.  I climb into the car, stop shaking and start driving.

The longest car ride of my life was actually only about five miles.  We get there just behind the ambulance.  I can’t find parking.  I’m cursing.  The boys are asking if I’m okay.  I’m okay boys, we valet park.  I run into to e.r. with a boy in each arm.  Their heads bouncing like bobble heads.  Mommy, you okay? Mommy? Yes! Mommy is okay.  They see him before I do.  Daddy!!!! Daddy?  You okay? Jason is begging them to unstrap him.  (He hit his head when he collapsed).  They wheel him into a room and I see him.  He’s alive.  He’s okay.  He really is okay.  Maybe not okay, but he’s talking, moving and laughing.  After hours in the e.r. they can’t decide what happened in the parking lot so they admit him.  I am relieved.  They need to figure this out.

But they don’t figure it out.  Could it have been a seizure, yes.  Could it have been a result of low blood sugar, yes.  Could it have been the result of stress, not eating breakfast, and not getting good sleep, yes. What they do know is it’s not his brain, and it’s not his heart. 

Here’s what I know, I can’t navigate this thing called life without him.  Our children need him.  All those stupid things that pissed me off earlier this month…mean nothing.  They mean nothing in the bigger picture.  There is always going to be shit.  Some kind of shit in our lives.  The key is not to let the shit over shadow the good, the great, and truly amazing that happen everyday. 


This is one of my favorite pictures of Alex and Jason.


These are the memories that flashed before my eyes.


I love you Jason.  Don’t you ever do that again…dick.


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