Missing pieces of the puzzle


Look at that bling….

You know how it feels when you finally find missing puzzle pieces…sometimes they are under the couch, sometimes they are hidden in the pantry, and sometimes, someone put them in the litter box.  (Okay, maybe that last one is just my house, but still you get the point.)  And sometimes they are lost forever and you have to throw the entire puzzle away.

Over the years I stopped looking for my puzzle pieces.   Truth be told, I didn’t look too hard.  Some might even say I hid them from myself.  It was easier then finding them and putting them back together.  I was perfectly happy with my puzzle being incomplete.   I eventually I threw that puzzle out and started a new one.  I liked my new puzzle.  It felt good.  It looked good and it was complete.  I hung it on my wall and proudly showed everyone that stopped by.

I never really stopped thinking about the puzzle I threw away.  It just wasn’t a part of me anymore.  It didn’t affect me like it once did.  I had thrown it away and that in itself was enough.  Or so I thought.

Lurking under my couch, not far from where I played with my children,  laughed with my husband, and slept when I was too exhausted to walk up the steps, hid those pieces of the puzzle that I threw out so long ago. 

It’s a funny thing when you are faced with pieces you thought were gone forever; they smack you across the proverbial face.  Hard.  Like Mohammed Ali hard.  Confusion sets in and suddenly you are on the defensive.   Some might say you are even cynical. 

But when I picked up those pieces, looked at them and held them in my hands, I realized that the puzzle I thought I threw out, I merely put into storage.  And it was nice.  It was nice to fit them in and finally see the whole picture. 

Now I have a choice, do I frame and the puzzle and put it on my wall for everyone to see or do I pack it up in the box and put it back in storage?   It is a beautiful picture, but what if I break it while I’m framing it?  What if I lose another piece while transferring it?  Could I handle breaking it after I saw how pretty it was?  The easier answer is always going to be pack it up and hide it away again.  But then again, I’ve never been one for choosing the easy way out.   Except with this particular puzzle.   I always chose the easy way.  The easy way seemed to protect me best. 

Now I’m afraid of getting hurt.  Like a paralyzing fear.  I don’t fear much.  But this scares the crap of me.  So for now, my wall of cynicism must stay up.  I so desperately want to show you what hides behind it but I’m paralyzed.  Keep trying to break it down.  Please keep feeding me the pieces of the puzzle.   Please be gentle with my feelings.  Please understand how badly I want to display this picture on my wall. 


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