Dinner in 11 steps.
Step 1. Catch kid. Sit him at the table. Look closely at kid realize he’s covered in dirt. Make him wash his hands. Spend the next ten minutes yelling about soap, water, and cursing under your breath.
Step 2. Sit kid back down. Kid realizes there are vegetables on his plate. Spend the next ten minutes explaining vegetables will make you grow big and strong. When that doesn’t work explain that there kids that don’t have food and he should be grateful that he does.
Step 3. Spend the next ten minutes threatening kid with various punishments if he doesn’t eat his dinner. Watch kid push food around his plate while taking tiny bites of food.
Step 4. Open a bottle of wine. Pour a glass while sobbing slightly.
Step 5. Pour second glass of wine, and start bargaining with kid. “If you eat three peas and drink your milk, you can leave the table.” Realize your own food is now being eaten by the dog. Pour another glass of wine.
Step 6. Sticking to your 3 pea rule, patiently watch kid eat one pea for five minutes. Watch him spit out said pea, cry a little, realize you might need more wine.
Step 6. When kid asks if that’s good enough, resist the urge to say yes. Tell him no, he has to drink his milk. Watch him blow bubbles in the milk while resisting the urge to start drinking from the bottle.
Step 7. Start begging kid to finish his milk so this nightmare can end. Realizing your desperation, he asks if he can be excused from the table, you think about it, but stick to your guns.
Step 8. Kid finishes his milk. But only because you now have crazy eyes. Pour another glass of wine because this is victory.
Step 9. Release kid from his prison. As you are clearing the table realize he was feeding the dog. He, in fact, ate nothing.
Step 10. Put the empty bottle wine in the recycle bin.
Step 11. Kid now asks for something to eat because he is hungry.